Category: Welcome

BC Gets Back On Course with Two Wins in One Weekend

by tr Email

Captain Dansky, seen here celebrating Saturday's victory, decrisbed a post game celebration that made everyone at Murder Burger jealous.

SACRAMENTO, California (AP) - BC captain H. M. S. Dansky anchored the attack for two important road tilts as BC climbed back to .500 this past weekend. Dansky showed textbook jibes on Saturday at Palo Alto, while Sunday Streets of London’s Nimitz Class defenders were no match for his veteran tacks. Sean “I’ve Got No Beef with Cattle, But Ostriches Really Ruffle My Feathers” Whitacre once again proved that he has no off button, playing through the final whistle on Sunday. Pat Lorian was his usual beady eyed self in net, allowing everyone else on the field to relax a bit. Special thanks to Tom Loulet for his work at close defense, and also for sparing Thumper the Rabbit. BC is back in action this Saturday against CLIF Bar in Sausalito.

Barbary Clark 8, Clif Bar 7. "Chris Clark assists Chris 'Carter' Clark for game-winning goal, players Clark and 'That Guy' both ejected during half time discussion with ref's"

by viceroyterrific Email

In a pain-staking finish of what was an aggravatingly close game, The Barbary Clark lacrosse club wore down Team Clif Bar to the score of 8-7 this past Saturday, on an otherwise pleasant afternoon in Sausalito.

Relying on an efficient and opportunistic coaching staff that badgered the refs into 15 man up situations for BC, the Clarks were able to capitalize on 7 chances, and ultimately were awarded the game winning goal from lead referee Tim Collins after Box Coach Carter 'That's a terrible call and you should be ashamed of yourself' Clark, effectively made Collins ears bleed.

"I have to hand it to myself," said Coach Clark, "I really went out of my way to prove that my knowledge of lacrosse rules and the minutiae of crease violations was superior to all others." When asked how that may have actually turned the favor of the game to Clif Bar, Clark replied, "Scoreboard, asshole".

In a losing effort, stymied by players being harangued by the BC bench for uniform violations and losing game rhythm from well placed time outs called by the Clarkian coaches, Clif Bar was at a loss as to what happened. "I don't know what to say," said Clif Bar player, Clifford Cliftenstein, "we're more talented than Barbary Clark, and quite frankly we're not as much of pricks as they are, but we somehow fell apart." Asked if whether they look forward to playing Barbary Clark in the playoffs, Cliftenstein mentioned a preference for bathing in a tub broken glass and rubbing alcohol.

In related news, cloning technology has since been banned in the NATO and OPEC countries, and supreme mullah Tehlann Al-Hashareen has issued a fatwa upon Barbary Clark.

An Oldie But a Goodie

by tr Email

"What can I do to make this stop? Do you want to punch me? Hit me in the face so I don't have to listen to you continue. Please."

Milk Seeks a Cure for BC Ills

by tr Email

Somehow I think just the rally cap would suffice...

Eff you guys

by tr Email

A team of Clarks would beat CLIF Bar 10-8 and it would never even seem that close.

Bill Swerski: Now, gentlemen, let me ask you this: What if Da Bears were all 14 inches tall, you know, about so high? Now, what's your score of today's game?

Carl Wollarski: Against Da Giants?

Bill Swerski: Yes, give 'em a handicap.

Carl Wollarski: Bears 18, Giants 10. And that would finally be a good game.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, it would be a good game. Mini Bears 24, Giants 14.

Todd O'Conner: What about Ditka? Would he be mini, too?

Bill Swerski: No, he would be full-grown.

Todd O'Conner: Oh, then, uh.. Mini Bears 31, Giants 7.

Carl Wollarski: Oh, hold on. Then I change mine, too. I thought it was Mini Ditka.

Bill Swerski: Okay, gentlemen, another scenario: Da Bears, they don't make it, the plane is delayed.. and the only one who shows up is Ditka. Ditka vs. Da Giants. Okay, score, gentlemen.

Pat Arnold: Alright, after da heart attack, I gotta say Ditka 17, Giants 14. He just barely gets by.

Bill Swerski: Alright, that sounds exciting. Perhaps, you know, a late Ditka field goal.

Todd O'Conner: Bears!

Superfans: Bears!!

[ Danny Sheridan enters round table discussion ]

Bill Swerski: Hey! As you fans know, sports celebrities like to frequent Ditka's. And oddsmaker Danny Sheridan has just sat down with us. Now, Danny.. what would the point spread be for a game like that? Ditka vs. Da Giants. Now, remember, it's only Ditka, not the regular Bears team.

Danny Sheridan: Okay. I'm gonna say the Giants by about.. [ thinking ] ..800.

Bill Swerski: Great, Danny. Now, are you from New York?

Carl Wollarski: He lives in New York, eh, Pat?

Bill Swerski: You like it there. You can stay there, as far as I'm concerned.

Danny Sheridan: No, it's just that.. it's one guy, you know-

Bill Swerski: Yeah, that's alright. Just take your crack pipe and go home! Get outta here, Danny!

Todd O'Conner: Yeah, go shoot somebody with a gun!

[ Danny Sheridan exits the room ]

Bill Swerski: Alright, now let's get back to our discussion. Bears vs. the Assembled Choir of Heavenly Angels.

Pat Arnold: The whole choir?

Bill Swerski: Well, Saraphone, Jerebone - the whole nine yards.

Pat Arnold: Angels.

Carl Wollarski: Angels, but it's close.

Todd O'Conner: Bears!

Bill Swerski: Alright. Ditka vs. God in a golf match. Now, he's a good golfer.

Pat Arnold: Ditka.

Todd O'Conner: Dit-ka!

Carl Wollarski: Ditka.

Bill Swerski: Well, I see they're setting up the 40-foot screen, so I guess it's game time. Now, you enjoy the game, folks. Now, remember, next week - Bears-Niners. Alright, now Bears vs Stephen Douglas in a debate, what do you think?

Superfans: Da Bears!! Da Bears!

[ fade ]

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