It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp

by mcgurk22 Email

On every team, there are leaders and there are followers. Barbary Coast is no exception, and when it comes to social events, Chris Clark is Sitting Bull and the rest of us are just members of the Sioux Nation. But where does this social
butterfly get all of his motivation? I sat down to Chris to find out.

JM: “Clarkie, you’re never one to shy away from a social occasion. What event turned you from ‘that one kid from Upstate New York’ into ‘Holy crap that party really got going once Chris Clark showed up’?”

CC: “Great question, but first let me say this, it’s about time this team started noticing how hard I work. I’ve been carrying you bastards on my social back for years now. I don’t mind throwing down for Milk’s shots of FerNet, he’s a god damn All-American! But you San Diego kids always forget your wallets and show up at O’Malley’s right when I’m ordering!”

JM: “Yeah, Pat Ferguson does have amazing timing for getting free beer, but back to my question?”

CC: “It was my second junior year at UVA…it was a Tuesday. The local dive bar was playing Wyclef Jean’s ‘Perfect Gentlemen’. His line about “Just ‘cause she dances Go-Go, it don’t make her a ho no’ changed everything for me. Think about it, just because some broad makes a living on the ‘pole’ doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t consider herself blessed to get down with me. I ended up blacking out that night, but when I woke up the next day, there were three naked chicks in bed with me…none of them were crying, so I decided to follow my gut and change my life for the better…and it’s been a party ever since.”

JM: “Did anyone ever give you advice on how to reach the social pinnacle, and do you have any advice for the rest of us?”

“Remember the basketball coach from ‘Teen Wolf’? He lived by three rules:
1) Never get less than 12 hours sleep,
2) Never play cards with a guy who has the same name as a city, and
3) Never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body.

I’ve embraced those, and they’ve never failed me…but I’ve also added three of my own:
1) Stare and hold eye contact until it’s awkward,
2) Touch early and often, and
3) Always, always, always be in the game.”

JM: “I’ve always wondered why you’d work so hard to hold eye contact with random chicks, now it makes more sense.”

CC: “Yeah, you gotta stare at the eyes though. You take a page out of Dennig’s book and just stare at her cans all night, and you’ll never get anywhere”. Oh, and shameless self-promotion is always encouraged.”

JM: “Fair enough. What is your best and worst moment?”

CC: “They’re the same moment. I once hooked up with a chick when we were both wasted. Next day her friends asked her ‘how drunk were you?’…she told them ‘Chris Clark drunk’. How sweet is that! Pound it!

(Chris holds out a closed fists and refuses to take the interview any further until I bump knuckles with him)

JM: “So what’s next for Chris Clark?”

(Chris takes a folded newspaper clipping out of his wallet, unfolds it, and shows it to me)

CC: “This douchebag. I’m gonna hunt him down and put a beating on him because he makes the rest of us socially-gifted look bad. I mean, who wears FOUR popped collars!? Three maybe, but four is absurd! You’d be better off wearing a long underwear onesey with mistletoe over your junk! At least then people know you have some dignity!”

Interview over, we stood to leave and shook hands.

JM: “Clarkie, as always, I’m impressed. You wanna grab a beer?”

CC: “Nah, we have a game tomorrow morning, and I have three parties I need to hit up tonight before I head home. Plus, I have a meeting that I still need to schedule.”

JM: “Meeting?”

CC: “Yeah, there’s an ex-wife in the making out there…I just haven’t met her yet.”