Eff you guys

by tr Email

A team of Clarks would beat CLIF Bar 10-8 and it would never even seem that close.

Bill Swerski: Now, gentlemen, let me ask you this: What if Da Bears were all 14 inches tall, you know, about so high? Now, what's your score of today's game?

Carl Wollarski: Against Da Giants?

Bill Swerski: Yes, give 'em a handicap.

Carl Wollarski: Bears 18, Giants 10. And that would finally be a good game.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, it would be a good game. Mini Bears 24, Giants 14.

Todd O'Conner: What about Ditka? Would he be mini, too?

Bill Swerski: No, he would be full-grown.

Todd O'Conner: Oh, then, uh.. Mini Bears 31, Giants 7.

Carl Wollarski: Oh, hold on. Then I change mine, too. I thought it was Mini Ditka.

Bill Swerski: Okay, gentlemen, another scenario: Da Bears, they don't make it, the plane is delayed.. and the only one who shows up is Ditka. Ditka vs. Da Giants. Okay, score, gentlemen.

Pat Arnold: Alright, after da heart attack, I gotta say Ditka 17, Giants 14. He just barely gets by.

Bill Swerski: Alright, that sounds exciting. Perhaps, you know, a late Ditka field goal.

Todd O'Conner: Bears!

Superfans: Bears!!

[ Danny Sheridan enters round table discussion ]

Bill Swerski: Hey! As you fans know, sports celebrities like to frequent Ditka's. And oddsmaker Danny Sheridan has just sat down with us. Now, Danny.. what would the point spread be for a game like that? Ditka vs. Da Giants. Now, remember, it's only Ditka, not the regular Bears team.

Danny Sheridan: Okay. I'm gonna say the Giants by about.. [ thinking ] ..800.

Bill Swerski: Great, Danny. Now, are you from New York?

Carl Wollarski: He lives in New York, eh, Pat?

Bill Swerski: You like it there. You can stay there, as far as I'm concerned.

Danny Sheridan: No, it's just that.. it's one guy, you know-

Bill Swerski: Yeah, that's alright. Just take your crack pipe and go home! Get outta here, Danny!

Todd O'Conner: Yeah, go shoot somebody with a gun!

[ Danny Sheridan exits the room ]

Bill Swerski: Alright, now let's get back to our discussion. Bears vs. the Assembled Choir of Heavenly Angels.

Pat Arnold: The whole choir?

Bill Swerski: Well, Saraphone, Jerebone - the whole nine yards.

Pat Arnold: Angels.

Carl Wollarski: Angels, but it's close.

Todd O'Conner: Bears!

Bill Swerski: Alright. Ditka vs. God in a golf match. Now, he's a good golfer.

Pat Arnold: Ditka.

Todd O'Conner: Dit-ka!

Carl Wollarski: Ditka.

Bill Swerski: Well, I see they're setting up the 40-foot screen, so I guess it's game time. Now, you enjoy the game, folks. Now, remember, next week - Bears-Niners. Alright, now Bears vs Stephen Douglas in a debate, what do you think?

Superfans: Da Bears!! Da Bears!

[ fade ]