On every team, there are leaders and there are followers. Barbary Coast is no exception, and when it comes to social events, Chris Clark is Sitting Bull and the rest of us are just members of the Sioux Nation. But where does this social
butterfly get all of his motivation? I sat down to Chris to find out.

JM: “Clarkie, you’re never one to shy away from a social occasion. What event turned you from ‘that one kid from Upstate New York’ into ‘Holy crap that party really got going once Chris Clark showed up’?”

CC: “Great question, but first let me say this, it’s about time this team started noticing how hard I work. I’ve been carrying you bastards on my social back for years now. I don’t mind throwing down for Milk’s shots of FerNet, he’s a god damn All-American! But you San Diego kids always forget your wallets and show up at O’Malley’s right when I’m ordering!”

JM: “Yeah, Pat Ferguson does have amazing timing for getting free beer, but back to my question?”

CC: “It was my second junior year at UVA…it was a Tuesday. The local dive bar was playing Wyclef Jean’s ‘Perfect Gentlemen’. His line about “Just ‘cause she dances Go-Go, it don’t make her a ho no’ changed everything for me. Think about it, just because some broad makes a living on the ‘pole’ doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t consider herself blessed to get down with me. I ended up blacking out that night, but when I woke up the next day, there were three naked chicks in bed with me…none of them were crying, so I decided to follow my gut and change my life for the better…and it’s been a party ever since.”

JM: “Did anyone ever give you advice on how to reach the social pinnacle, and do you have any advice for the rest of us?”

“Remember the basketball coach from ‘Teen Wolf’? He lived by three rules:
1) Never get less than 12 hours sleep,
2) Never play cards with a guy who has the same name as a city, and
3) Never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body.

I’ve embraced those, and they’ve never failed me…but I’ve also added three of my own:
1) Stare and hold eye contact until it’s awkward,
2) Touch early and often, and
3) Always, always, always be in the game.”

JM: “I’ve always wondered why you’d work so hard to hold eye contact with random chicks, now it makes more sense.”

CC: “Yeah, you gotta stare at the eyes though. You take a page out of Dennig’s book and just stare at her cans all night, and you’ll never get anywhere”. Oh, and shameless self-promotion is always encouraged.”

JM: “Fair enough. What is your best and worst moment?”

CC: “They’re the same moment. I once hooked up with a chick when we were both wasted. Next day her friends asked her ‘how drunk were you?’…she told them ‘Chris Clark drunk’. How sweet is that! Pound it!

(Chris holds out a closed fists and refuses to take the interview any further until I bump knuckles with him)

JM: “So what’s next for Chris Clark?”

(Chris takes a folded newspaper clipping out of his wallet, unfolds it, and shows it to me)

CC: “This douchebag. I’m gonna hunt him down and put a beating on him because he makes the rest of us socially-gifted look bad. I mean, who wears FOUR popped collars!? Three maybe, but four is absurd! You’d be better off wearing a long underwear onesey with mistletoe over your junk! At least then people know you have some dignity!”

Interview over, we stood to leave and shook hands.

JM: “Clarkie, as always, I’m impressed. You wanna grab a beer?”

CC: “Nah, we have a game tomorrow morning, and I have three parties I need to hit up tonight before I head home. Plus, I have a meeting that I still need to schedule.”

JM: “Meeting?”

CC: “Yeah, there’s an ex-wife in the making out there…I just haven’t met her yet.”

I caught up with Jordan Kemp (U.S. Air Force) recently and thought it was worth a post. Sounds like there's a chance he'll be back with us. I just pictured him and Loulet on the field at the same time and wet myself. Here's the thread:

Chris,

Hey dude, sorry for the unbelievable delay before getting back to you. Believe it or not, I had followed you guys through the email chain and via the website last year so I knew you guys had won. So congrats on that. Did you ever get to play the team from San Diego or did they never commit to a game? Anyways, I'm almost done with pilot training here in Columbus, MS. It's been a brutal year as far as training goes, but it's almost over. I think I'll be getting a pretty good assignment out of here but even that's still up in the air. I won't find out what I'm flying or where I'm going until mid June. Travis AFB will be high on the list and if we go back I'll definitely look you up.

I can't tell you how much I miss the game man. Especially playing with you, the Kim Bros., and all the rest of the BC guys. What a great group. Ever since I left I've been itching to play so you can bet that if we get sent your way I'm definitely in to play again.

One of the most frustrating things is that there are actually a lot of lax guys here at Columbus but no one has a goal or time to play. And if we did have time there's really no competition within a thousand miles so it doesn't really do us any good.

Thanks again for the note dude. Hope all goes well this season for you guys. Keep me posted on the inevitable success in the defense of the coveted NorCal championship.

Jordan

On Tue, Apr 15, 2008 at 3:47 PM, Chris Clark wrote:

A few of us on BC were talking about you the other day, and it made me realize that you may not even know that we won the NorCal championship last year. Somewhere there's a pretend championship ring for you. If you're ever back in the bay area you're welcome to play with us again.

- Chris

Captain Dansky, seen here celebrating Saturday's victory, decrisbed a post game celebration that made everyone at Murder Burger jealous.

SACRAMENTO, California (AP) - BC captain H. M. S. Dansky anchored the attack for two important road tilts as BC climbed back to .500 this past weekend. Dansky showed textbook jibes on Saturday at Palo Alto, while Sunday Streets of London’s Nimitz Class defenders were no match for his veteran tacks. Sean “I’ve Got No Beef with Cattle, But Ostriches Really Ruffle My Feathers” Whitacre once again proved that he has no off button, playing through the final whistle on Sunday. Pat Lorian was his usual beady eyed self in net, allowing everyone else on the field to relax a bit. Special thanks to Tom Loulet for his work at close defense, and also for sparing Thumper the Rabbit. BC is back in action this Saturday against CLIF Bar in Sausalito.

Team Barbary Clark lost a nail biter in overtime to a scrappy (yet poorly dressed) 40 Thieves team to conclude the San Diego Lacrosse tournament. In a coaching move that could only be called "Clarkian", Coach Clark benched All-American goalkeeper Milk "FerNet" Fenton, electing to start his always confident (yet untested) backup Kris Klark. Previously, Klark's contributions to the Barbary Clark team appear to be his ability to 'boot & rally', as well as his short-stick defense which generally referred to as "Eff You Guys".

Never one to let opportunity pass him by, Klark logged a impressive first half. Activities were not necessarily limited to goalkeeping, and included the heckling of the opposing team, the heckling of his own team and the heckling of an old lady walking past the field. Klark also made at least one impressive save, thanks in part to an attackman who still believes that stickside high shots useful… “assuming the goalie just gets out of the way.”

Unfortunately, the second half would not smile so kindly on Barbary Clark. One of the referees (who had decided that getting paid for actually working the game was just asking too much) elected to not bother enforcing the rules of the game, and drew the ire of Clark Nation. An arguing Assistant Coach Clark was told by the ref "It's just a consolation game, and I don't care". An incensed Kris Klark then pulled the cage over and announced "Then you can not enforce this rule a-hole". Everyone on the sideline gave the scrappy backup goalie from Upstate New York a standing ovation, commenting that if nothing else "he certainly does have quite a mouth on him".

Few pix from the SD Tourney a few weeks back...unfortunately, the 'Remote Control Robot' duo were not documented.